Love is a privilege

Tears streamed down my face today as I turned to look one last time at Abbey and the boys. Specifically the two I call my own, Asher and Edrine. 

It is always bittersweet when it is time for me to leave them. The three of us always know when it is our last day together. We never officially speak of it but our uncomfortable silence lingers over us as we await “the moment.” 

I don’t really know the boys well-our language barrier really prevents us from having deep conversations. After all, what is there to talk about?  They’ve been in and out of an orphanage, seen their two younger siblings taken away to “live the good life” in the US, and their daily existence is not an easy one. Don’t get me wrong... they are in a home with Abbey and 12 other boys, and are loved and taken care of. All 12 boys were taken in by Abbey due to various tragic circumstances such as both parents dying, abandonment, abuse, neglect, homelessness,...the list goes on and on. 

As a mom, when two boys ages 9 and 12, embrace you, hold tight to your hand and smile when they see you----you can’t help but wonder if there isn’t something more you could be doing. I made a promise to Asher several years ago that we would always take care of both, he and Edrine. I just pray that my consistent visits will cement in their minds and hearts, that I meant what I said. Not only do I want Edith and Derrick (the 2 children we adopted from Uganda) to be able to know their siblings -but I want Asher & Edrine to know and believe how much I really love them. Heart-wrenching, gut-wrenching love.

  

Driving away today my heart was breaking, as it does every time.  I wondered for a second if there wasn’t an easier way. Why do I keep doing this to myself and them? But then God gently reminded me that it was a privilege to hurt for them, to miss them. That hurt begins with love. I wouldn’t hurt if I first didn’t love. It isn’t a love that was produced from childbirth. It isn’t a love that came from spending day after day together. It is only a love that God could produce. 

I told Usher today to please not ever forget my promise to him. I want so much for him to remember and believe what I have said. Isn’t this exactly what God wants from all of us? He loves us more than we can humanly imagine and He also must hurt for us more than we can imagine.  There is the answer....I can’t do anymore than continue to love them with all my might and I must now believe the promises and remember. God first loved me...... It is a privilege to love.